Bad news
When I sit down to dinner with my family tonight and my daughters ask me if I had a good day I will tell her, “today the universe as I know it has changed and will never be the same again, but it was still a bad day.”
Nomads Buffet has closed.
I will forever be level 5 for life none the less.
This one’s for the ladies.
Kotaku today posted a story titled “What Your Console Tells Dating Partners.” One slight problem…
Let me break down what consoles really mean.
PS3:
He’s probably suave. He’s probably rich. He’s definitely a douche bag and will treat you like ass. If you hate guys who play games you want Mr. PS3 because let’s face it, there are no PS3 games, so he obviously isn’t a gamer. He bought the thing to impress his bro ass friends with sweet “Blue-Ray Graphics Madden” on his big flat screen TV (too bad the PS3 doesn’t come with high-def cables and Madden runs better on Xbox). Of all console owners he’s the most likely to make sexual advances and actually be successful. One problem… he bought this ridiculously expensive box to make up for his hilariously small penis. Sorry. So if you hate games and like The Fifth Element on Blue-Ray you got yourself a winner.
Wii:
Sure Mr. Wii is probably kind and considerate, but let’s just cut to the chase… he’s a mandy pandy mommas boy. Forget the social game play aspects, he really bought it to play with his favorite wussy ass Mario characters (1985 called, it said grow the fuck up). Although he may be able to expertly manipulate his Wii-Mote, he won’t be able to expertly manipulate your body (unless your into stiff, awkward gyrations). Not that it matters anyways, he’s too big of a pansy to risk invading your “comfort zone.” So prepare yourself for long nights eating food he poorly prepared, listening to Death Cab For Cutie and talking about Ron Paul. In all honesty you’ll probably end up cheating on him with Mr. PS3.
Xbox 360:
Mr. Xbox 360 tends to be the true hardcore gamer. He’s likely to spend more time playing games then playing with you. That may sound bad, but there are some perks. By being constantly berated by 10 year olds over Xbox Live he has gained an immense amount of patience and poise especially in stressful situations. However this has also led to a natural ability to easily ignore you at will. So if you think you can nag him into doing something he doesn’t want to do think again. No matter how dirty you get. He will eventually find time for you though. Unfortunately it will be after he and his HAbrOs lose three successive games of Big Team Battle followed by at least two games of Magic. Better then Ron Paul I guess.
The article left out two other gaming platforms I will quickly outline.
PC:
In the rare case you come across a PC only gamer (rare because they never leave their house) he will only talk about how EVE is the greatest game of all time. He’s not a factor worth considering.
Nintendo DS:
It is recommended to remove your pants as soon possible for him. He is a true bad ass.
There you have it. If you plan on dating a guy, that is what his console of choice really means.
Teaser is up
What could it be?
Bloodsport and Mentos
I felt obliged to make a post. Bloodsport is my favorite movie of all time.
The Revolution has Begun!!!
I have seen the light. The errors in my ways. My life has taken a new meaning. I saw the greatest authoritarian figure to ever grace a White Castle at 3:00 AM, the ever omniscient Colonel Crave. My only regret is I did not have a camera to capture this moment in history. No man, since M. Bision, stood so firm and tall, so dominant as the great Colonel Crave. His knee high jack boots screamed respect. His navy blue poofy at the top pants said “I’m human.” His light brown Boy Scout shirt advised caution. His leather shoulder holster where he kept his spare change hinted at his stern efficiency. His hair was Jesus like.
I have officially joined Colonel Crave’s Crave Patrol as shown by the official Crave Patrol seal, designed by Rory, proudly displayed on this webpage. I pledge my life to fight for all the Patrol stands for, which is mostly late night hamburgers. If you dare cross us we will not hesitate to enact the final RETRIBUTION of leaving an old tub of cottage cheese next to your car.
We may be small in numbers now, but our ranks are growing and soon a new era will be upon us. If you wish to join us download the seal here, http://www.kurtkneller.com/img/seal.gif. Wear it proudly, put it on your shirt, display it at your place of business, and most importantly keep it in your heart.
¡Viva la Crave Patrol!
