This one’s for the ladies.
Kotaku today posted a story titled “What Your Console Tells Dating Partners.” One slight problem…
Let me break down what consoles really mean.
PS3:
He’s probably suave. He’s probably rich. He’s definitely a douche bag and will treat you like ass. If you hate guys who play games you want Mr. PS3 because let’s face it, there are no PS3 games, so he obviously isn’t a gamer. He bought the thing to impress his bro ass friends with sweet “Blue-Ray Graphics Madden” on his big flat screen TV (too bad the PS3 doesn’t come with high-def cables and Madden runs better on Xbox). Of all console owners he’s the most likely to make sexual advances and actually be successful. One problem… he bought this ridiculously expensive box to make up for his hilariously small penis. Sorry. So if you hate games and like The Fifth Element on Blue-Ray you got yourself a winner.
Wii:
Sure Mr. Wii is probably kind and considerate, but let’s just cut to the chase… he’s a mandy pandy mommas boy. Forget the social game play aspects, he really bought it to play with his favorite wussy ass Mario characters (1985 called, it said grow the fuck up). Although he may be able to expertly manipulate his Wii-Mote, he won’t be able to expertly manipulate your body (unless your into stiff, awkward gyrations). Not that it matters anyways, he’s too big of a pansy to risk invading your “comfort zone.” So prepare yourself for long nights eating food he poorly prepared, listening to Death Cab For Cutie and talking about Ron Paul. In all honesty you’ll probably end up cheating on him with Mr. PS3.
Xbox 360:
Mr. Xbox 360 tends to be the true hardcore gamer. He’s likely to spend more time playing games then playing with you. That may sound bad, but there are some perks. By being constantly berated by 10 year olds over Xbox Live he has gained an immense amount of patience and poise especially in stressful situations. However this has also led to a natural ability to easily ignore you at will. So if you think you can nag him into doing something he doesn’t want to do think again. No matter how dirty you get. He will eventually find time for you though. Unfortunately it will be after he and his HAbrOs lose three successive games of Big Team Battle followed by at least two games of Magic. Better then Ron Paul I guess.
The article left out two other gaming platforms I will quickly outline.
PC:
In the rare case you come across a PC only gamer (rare because they never leave their house) he will only talk about how EVE is the greatest game of all time. He’s not a factor worth considering.
Nintendo DS:
It is recommended to remove your pants as soon possible for him. He is a true bad ass.
There you have it. If you plan on dating a guy, that is what his console of choice really means.
